


Shake the Disease

by pissmidorima (klancepromoter)



Category: The Office (US)
Genre: Depression, F/M, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, set somewhere in season 2
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-02
Updated: 2016-05-02
Packaged: 2018-06-05 19:56:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 612
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6720784
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/klancepromoter/pseuds/pissmidorima
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jim struggles with depression as he pines for Pam.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Shake the Disease

Sometimes Jim confuses reality with one of his daydreams. It’s ten o’clock at night and just as he’s about to fall asleep, his phone lights up.

**Pam**  
_omg. just had an amazing idea to prank dwight. you still awake?_

Jim buries his face into his pillow and can’t stop smiling. Did this mean Pam was thinking about him right before she was going to sleep? Does this mean anything? _No, Jim, don’t get carried away. Be cool,_ he thinks.

**Jim**  
_haha whats the plan?_

**Pam**  
_2morrow. when dwight goes to the bathroom you change his desktop wallpaper to one of those screamer pics_

**Jim**  
_not bad beesly_

**Pam**  
_i learn from the best :P_

Jim feels like he’s flying. He can almost imagine Pam laying next to him in bed. Talking for hours, kissing her goodnight, and waking up to her gorgeous face in the morning. He wants it so be real so bad that he almost believes it for a minute.

**Jim**  
_so whats up?_

**Pam**  
_not much. went out to dinner with roy. burger king for the 4th time this week :/_

**Jim**  
_haha. you deserve better than that_

**Pam**  
_i mean, i dont really mind... it’s whatever._

_Oh fuck,_ Jim thinks, _I didn’t mean that._ In his fantasy world, Pam would have said _“Yes Jim I deserve better! Take me out to dinner!”_ He can’t help but build up false hope like that every day, idealizing Pam into some sort of perfect goddess who will realize that Jim has been there all along. Jim’s head starts to hurt. _Fuck._ He doesn’t want to ever leave his bed again.

**Pam**  
_u there? or did i put u to sleep :P_

**Jim**  
_super tired. see u tomorrow pam_

Jim knows it’s going to be one of those nights. He feels like absolute garbage, like he doesn’t deserve to live. Yes, and it makes him feel ever worse that he gets this upset over a girl. Pam means the world to him. She’s beautiful, funny, and she _understands._ Jim imagines telling Pam that he’s been struggling with depression for years, that he hurts himself sometimes, and that the cool guy he is at work is all just an act. He dreams of Pam telling him _“You’re not worthless, Jim. You deserve to get help, you deserve to live.”_ Pam is the only one who could understand him, but he can’t even have her.

The worst part is, Jim doesn’t feel like he deserves help. He would feel too guilty bringing Pam into his mental problems. He’s sick, and Pam shouldn’t have to worry about him. It’s easier to pretend to be fine and struggle in private. He doesn’t want things to be weird between them. He wants to be able to make Pam laugh every day. 

Jim walks into his bathroom and sees himself in the mirror. He feels worthless, like he deserves to be hurt. He holds his razor up to his wrist, but hesitates to make a cut. He promised himself he would stay clean. What if Pam noticed the cuts, what would she think? She can’t know anything is wrong. With all of his motivation gone, Jim lays on the floor and quietly sobs until he falls asleep. In his dreams, he’s the one taking Pam to Burger King every day.

The next morning, Jim wakes up and wants to call in sick to work. He checks his phone and finds one more text from Pam last night that he never opened.

**Pam**  
_okay goodnight jim! see you 2morrow. ur the only thing keeping me sane at work :D_

On second thought, maybe he can manage going to work today.

**Author's Note:**

> kind of a personal fic, i can relate a lot to jim. not sure if i'll write more chapters. kudos/comments always appreciated :P


End file.
